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It’s so hard to be motivated when I feel so alone

I have an appt on Monday and i’m not really looking forward to it. It’s scary to have to talk to a stranger much less tell them my problems.

It’s so disheartening to go to doctor to therapist to doctor over and over and be constantly disappointing with them. The worst part for me is that my anxiety makes me hate my doctors or therapists. They go out of town for one week and can’t reply to my emails and I just freak out. 

"so worthless. you should just leave them alone" "cancel the appointment, they hate you anyways" "They know you’ll never get any better, you disappoint everyone over and over again" 

They get married or have a child and I can’t deal with them anymore. I feel abandoned, even though I know I have no reason to feel that way. Or if I’m doing particularly horrible the paranoid thoughts start to come up. The’s worst and most consistent one for me is along the lines of everyone wants me to kill myself and it’s some sort of weird plot. 

"They are all plotting against you. Watch out" "All of them meet up and laugh about how pitiful you are. Just kill yourself" "They all want you to die. Do it already" 

I can’t explain it too well but it really fucks with my head. I’m rational and sane enough to know it’s most likely not true, the odds are so low. Doesn’t make it any less harder to deal with though, and the fact that I feel that the people involved already know of said plot as they are part of it makes it near impossible to mention it to any doctor. Out of fear and also embarrassment. 

I’m just so scared of going, and it’s going to be so hard but I really want to get better. I’m getting so much anxiety from just thinking about all of the people i’m going to talk to, to pretty much tell them how weird and inadequate I am and how my problems interfere with and pretty much ruin relationships for me in most areas of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it to get help, I feel like I’m just going to die any day anyways . Why would it matter if I get help or not if i’m always going to be a failure, stupid, trash, worthless. I’m honestly surprised I care enough about a relationship or about anyone to try to get help for someone else pretty much. But I wonder if it’s even worth it at this point. Does that person even really feel the same way about me anyways? how much have I ruined it? even if they say they do they must not like me anyways. How could they? 


by 甘煮付鰯

Oh man I’m such a piece of shit. I was calming down after a few hours of feeling sick and I just panicked again. I wish I could just disappear 

"burden " "leave them alone" "they don’t like you anyways" "no one could love you" "Idiot , you always fuck everything up" 

I’m so scared of talking to the person I have an appt with tomorrow but I just can’t keep living like this anymore. I just feel so alone 

I’m going to be getting re evaluated next week. I just cant wait to get a name for what torments me during the day and keeps me awake at night. I just want them especially to look at my previous diagnosis and tell me if it the same/if they have to revise it as it was almost a year ago since they told me. I hope it wasn’t right. 

I will be getting on my medication again and the hardest part is not taking it everyday (which I find it hard to remember usually), but to not down it all like I did last time. I guess the goals i’ve made for just now are: 

-No drugs/alcohol to ‘relax’

-No cutting/self harm

-Shower twice a day, Basic self care

-Try to get out more. Stop sitting in my room all day

-Go to all my classes. 

-Try to go running/exercise. Play less computer games

-Go to sleep no later than 1 am on weekdays. wake up no later than 9 on weekdays 

God, I’ve fucked up so bad in the past few months. I regret not taking my medication/continuing my therapy. It all just spiraled out of control for me 

"Stupid piece of shit" "He/she abandoned you because you’re trash" "they could never love you" "__ was just an excuse for them to leave you alone. Abandoned" "He/she will just hurt you more. It’s what you deserve anyways"

Depression/anxiety> push people away> this validates bad thoughts>More depression/anxiety> want to get help> bad thoughts wont let me talk to doctors because they ‘hate me’> endless cycle

In a few weeks, I’ll be able to think clearly and act on what I really want. For the past few months everything I do or think is clouded with desperation and deep internal loneliness. Medication will help clear all of the bad thoughts and voices I hear repeating over and over again. I won’t have to listen to all of those things telling me what to do, what not to do, how to feel. I’ll be able to follow up the faint blocked up feelings or thoughts I block out of my head out of fear of more pain. I’ll be able to show the people I care about with not only my words but my actions how I feel. I won’t be making any empty promises anymore, I just won’t let myself. 

It just gets so hard sometimes. I’ve pushed anyone who has cared about me away in some way, making them lose their trust in me, friendship or even love. And I can’t blame them for losing all of those things because I know it was my actions or even hurtful words. I won’t blame myself for not being able to think clearly because of my ‘mental health’ but I do blame myself for not getting help earlier. 

I’m so tired of being miserable and making others miserable. My long term goal is to transfer up north to a better school for neuroscience (I like UF as it is cheaper but i’d love to go to new york as a dream) and I can’t keep slacking at school. And I won’t get better unless I have normal, steady, non rocky, not insane relationships with everyone in my life. If I ever hurt you with my actions/words I would like to apologize to you. And I don’t expect anyone to forgive me for what i’ve done to make you lose your trust in me or how you feel about me or our friendship. But I just want someone to understand. And if anyone can talk to me and offer support in any way I would love to have it. Because I’m trying to better my life but it’s hard when I feel so alone


Ramona and Scott.
oh god oh god oh god oh god