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so the lame thing is that even though i have around 3 months worth of a specific medication (plus maybe 1 month of a few other different ones) none would like kill me…its so funny that they make psychiatric meds that are super hard to die from when they are trying to treat illnesses and stuff 

i dont think i could like slice my self up with a knife…its so scary to think about going to do it and failing and just ending up scarred forever and having to have everyone see those scars

i mean if you fail to overdose ofc you might also have like permanent internal damage but no one can see that…its so much more private? if that makes sense

i kinda feel like i should have gone to the place today but i kinda dont want to get better anymore

its like, been so hard to just BE like the most basic degree of a functioning person…getting up, showering, cleaning, going back to work, to think about the future

and that enough, just like existing in this basic life is exhausting..i feel like i’m being like constantly suffocated but not enough to die, just enough to make every step hard to take 

i just look at myself and can’t imagine that id miss anything if i died. I mean i try to think about people i might leave behind or maybe my dog but when i think about it more and more it’s not such a big deal! there are so so so many people out there…like so many that if someone ‘misses you’ it’s only a temporary loss. its just like inventory loss/gained and in the end it doesnt really matter

when you die, no one misses you forever. and i think if no one misses you already when youre alive then they wont miss you when you die. and if they do ‘miss you’ its prob some superficial like biological response. i mean emotions really come from biological needs right? 

i just make myself worse and worse….i come up with these weird hopes or fantasies that are beyond unreal and in my head come up with relations whether romantic or friendly with people in my head and have these weird horrible expectations that they feel the same way maybe or that maybe if they dont now they will someday and that everyone is great 

and then when like reality smacks me in the face its even more painful…to have to like fall down from such a high up place after ive been planning out my whole life with this person or like all of the way things are going to go etc…and it’s something that maybe to someone else would be obvious and they wouldnt get caught up in it but I do! because i just dont get the hints! i dont get the hints people give me when they dont like me or when they want me to go away

and some people are more complicated…inside they want you to go away, to not bother them, like inside they hate you. but sometimes they let i guess their own emotions or confusion take over them and think that maybe they dont. and then its like this weird tug of war between me and them. like inside i kind of end up figuring out that they actually hate me and dont want me around but i want that person so badly to be in my life that i try to ignore that and do the whole ‘maybe they actually feel _—- about me instead’ or just pretend in my head that i dont think/know they actually hate me

and ill convince them for a little while that they dont hate me, despise me, want me to kill myself (maybe this is just my annoying ass everyone wants me to kill myself delusion lol) but in the end i cant change the way anyone feels…and its stupid and setting myself up for failure when i try

i just dont want to live anymore…everything is so so painful. and maybe thats MY fault, and i’m not trying to blame anyone or like the world for my own problems. I’m the problem…and the only way to fix it is to just get rid of myself

i cant run away from myself no matter how hard i try by going to therapy or taking meds or trying to have meaninful relationships. its all a big fucking waste. in the end none of those things are even important. life fucking blows and if you suffer from long term depression/etc maybe you should just kill yourself because it will not get better. like maybe a little bit better, but then it will get worse. and worse and worse until your life is even worse than its ever been 

like seriously there is no point

3 cigarette burns later i got out of being sent to a mental hospital yay me 

i hate it when people don’t respond to my posts on pull >.< and honestly even on 4chan D: im so sensitive

uhh I worded that horribly my bad, but I wasn’t saying that at all but okeyz anyways

moral of the story, don’t ever lie about something big/continuously lie because the karma of doing bad things whenever will come back and not in the form of some sort of universe retribution but more in the form of rightful doubts/making people hate you 

i cant wait till my hair dye fades so i can finally put the purple in 

can i just pretend in my head that i’ve been a great person my whole life and me now is actually a continuation of how i’ve been forever instead of recent thing because it’s just stupid and frustrating

Whole day wasted eating chocolate in bed

It sucks to wait for something if you feel like maybe it’s just going to waste your time in the end and getting scared of how much it’s going hurt but it would hurt even more to not even have that possibility no matter how small it may possibly be.

I might not go to school this semester because I feel like I’m going to die and then I’ll leave my family with a loan to repay and that’s shit horrible.

I wish my doctor would give me medication that doesn’t make me want to bang my head against a wall

Anyone else on atypical antipsychotics get really depressed? Like my mood swings are more stable but I just feel worse and worse and worse

I just have no drive. Everything’s such a fucking chore. I’m tired all the time.

And even thought it’s an anti psychotic lately my paranoid thoughts/ideas have gotten worse. It might just be brought on by the depression

I wonder if everyone who feels suicidal actually killed themselves how many less people there would be?