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writing on my new tumblr more ‘personal’ stuff

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god I don’t want anything or anyone but him. I never thought I could fall in love with anyone. I always thought I was only going to have empty feelings that were never really there. 

But being in love is something so amazing ahh….I guess it kind of sucks now to know what love is like and then not be able to have someone else’s love back. Sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love, I could just go back to being alone much easier. I never did have any friends nor guys interested in me. It sucked but it wasn’t that bad in retrospect. I would never let anyone close to me. When i found out someone was seriously trying to be my friend I would avoid them. Cancel every time they wanted to hang out, never reply to them. If a guy liked me, even if I liked him too, I would run away from it. I was so scared of being hurt that I never let anyone get close to me and didn’t allow myself to have relationships that were fulfilling or longer than a month or two. 

But I finally let my guard down, even if it was a little bit, and found out I could love someone and maybe someone could love me too. that I wasn’t totally worthless, that maybe i wasn’t as gross as I thought I was, and that maybe I was smart or interesting enough to entertain someone. It was so hard to accept! it was so hard to believe it. 

I wish I had accepted it fully much sooner. I’m so self destructive sometimes. 

I love him more than anything. I love him more than I could ever love myself. I would let him do anything he wanted with me if it would keep him happy. If he asked me to cut his name into myself i would do it without hesitation. if he wanted me to be nothing but his property I would take that too. I would let him mark me in any way he wanted. If he wanted to only use me for sex I would take that too. If he wanted me to drop out of school and move in with him I would do it. I would run away with him anywhere he wanted to no questions asked.I just want to be his, I only want to be his. 

I want to be with him forever. It hurts so much to know I can’t have that

He hates me god. And I have hurt him so bad I can understand why he thinks of me like total scum. 

I wanted to be in his arms this week. To kiss him and cuddle him and tell him everything will be ok, that we were going to start all over again, that we were going to date and everything was going to get better. We were going to have each other for forever and nothing was going to get in the way. I wanted him to ask me out again and I would have told him yes.

I want to just pretend everything is still ok. I’ll just keep telling myself that it is. That he isn’t gone, that he is on vacation or something haha. soon enough we’ll be in each others arms again and everything will be ok. 

how can I live without him…without thinking of him to be able to get out of bed, to do my homework, to be able to shower. It feels like nothing matters anymore. I’m going to fail my class today because I don’t think I can get out of bed. I just want to bang my head against the wall. 

In the end, it was my fault. when you fuck up in the first place, and then no one trusts you or believes you, it’s what you get you know? for fucking up. they lose their trust in you and I don’t know if that’s something you can earn back really, at least not easily .

I guess i’ll try to do little things to make myself feel a little better. watch whatever he’s told me to watch, keep my hair how he likes it, get into whatever game he likes to play. I mean i know how stupid that sounds but it’s something. 

man, right when I thought everything was getting better it like all goes to shit. I wish he could just kill me. I just want nothing more than to be in his arms. 

I’m such an idiot. This is punishment for fucking up so bad before. Maybe I am a bitch and psychotic or whatever else he prob thinks. 

the worst feeling in the world is when you tell the truth and no ones believes you because you have lied to them before. it’s fucking crushing. 

it hurts so bad to think you have something but have it gone forever when there’s no reason for it to be gone this time at least. it just makes me feel like they believed it because they wanted to. they wanted to hate me because I’ve done bad things before and I guess i understand that motive but i’m still so hurt.


You like being out of control like this, don’t you, slut?

It’s so hard to be motivated when I feel so alone

I have an appt on Monday and i’m not really looking forward to it. It’s scary to have to talk to a stranger much less tell them my problems.

It’s so disheartening to go to doctor to therapist to doctor over and over and be constantly disappointing with them. The worst part for me is that my anxiety makes me hate my doctors or therapists. They go out of town for one week and can’t reply to my emails and I just freak out. 

"so worthless. you should just leave them alone" "cancel the appointment, they hate you anyways" "They know you’ll never get any better, you disappoint everyone over and over again" 

They get married or have a child and I can’t deal with them anymore. I feel abandoned, even though I know I have no reason to feel that way. Or if I’m doing particularly horrible the paranoid thoughts start to come up. The’s worst and most consistent one for me is along the lines of everyone wants me to kill myself and it’s some sort of weird plot. 

"They are all plotting against you. Watch out" "All of them meet up and laugh about how pitiful you are. Just kill yourself" "They all want you to die. Do it already" 

I can’t explain it too well but it really fucks with my head. I’m rational and sane enough to know it’s most likely not true, the odds are so low. Doesn’t make it any less harder to deal with though, and the fact that I feel that the people involved already know of said plot as they are part of it makes it near impossible to mention it to any doctor. Out of fear and also embarrassment. 

I’m just so scared of going, and it’s going to be so hard but I really want to get better. I’m getting so much anxiety from just thinking about all of the people i’m going to talk to, to pretty much tell them how weird and inadequate I am and how my problems interfere with and pretty much ruin relationships for me in most areas of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it to get help, I feel like I’m just going to die any day anyways . Why would it matter if I get help or not if i’m always going to be a failure, stupid, trash, worthless. I’m honestly surprised I care enough about a relationship or about anyone to try to get help for someone else pretty much. But I wonder if it’s even worth it at this point. Does that person even really feel the same way about me anyways? how much have I ruined it? even if they say they do they must not like me anyways. How could they?